watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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