Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
