I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize