I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
