After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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