i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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