Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize