When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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