I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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