this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
