I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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