walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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