For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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