Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
