Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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