So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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