matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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