am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
