God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
