Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
