Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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