I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
