sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
