my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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