Sry I called you an 8
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
