She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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