OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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