Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
