We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
