either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
