We're like a lot better than the average bears
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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