How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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