If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
