she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
