My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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