Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
