i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
