we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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