i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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