the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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