True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
