Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
