Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
