Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
