so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize