I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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