Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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