the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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