got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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