I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
