maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
