You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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