she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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