When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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