were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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