Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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