He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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