I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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