this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
