he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize