I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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