my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
