I think I died a long time ago.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
