He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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