btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
