Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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