I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
