he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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