my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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