is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
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