dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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