My girlfriend figured out who you are.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
